How To Cheat

BY CASEY BLACKER

I am greatly indebted to Mr. Mintaro Oba for encouraging me to publish the following article in the Oracle before its submission to the Journal of the American Educational League. This test run should serve as a valuable assessment for such an article and I eagerly look forward to any feedback from my peers. It is my hope that this proves to be both an informative and enlightening read.

C.B.
Bell Buckle, September 14, 1912


Proposed Solution to the NTS Optimization Problem

The implementation of nonstandard test-taking strategies (NTS), more commonly known as cheating, is at present one of the most underdeveloped fields of study. Its bounds are expanded nearly exclusively by highly committed individual practitioners with little collaboration or central organization. (There are, to my knowledge, no academic journals dedicated to the subject.) And so, the achievements made on the forefront by one are forever lost those who will inevitably follow in his footsteps.

It should be noted that, though the author discusses such topics freely, it is purely in the most abstract and theoretical of manners. He does in not in any way encourage, nay, even tolerate, the use of such measures in any situation. It is with the assumption that the reader understands the moral and consequential implications of his own actions that the author proceeds to present his ideas.

The question often arises of what is the optimal NTS (known more formally as the NTS Optimization Problem. This has been an open issue for a great deal of time, and yet curiously minimal progress seems to have been made. In response to this lack of current material, the author took it upon himself to discover this ultimate method. He beseeched the assistance of Mr. Ik-Hwan Kim, a fellow enthusiast who was also disturbed by the lack of progress, and together devoted much time and thought to the resolution of this matter.

After careful consideration and extensive research on the subject, it is a pleasure to announce that the problem has been solved. Termed the Poetic Solution Infusion Method, this strategy involves composing a poem, having the first letter of each stanza correspond to an answer of a multiple-choice test. The poet then pretends to recite the work for the instructor, while in reality he is veritably broadcasting an answer key to the rest of the class. The brilliancy of this scheme should be apparent.

As with all revolutionary ideas, it is only to be expected that the merit of this technique will be met with strong resistance. Opponents may possibly cite the supposed “difficulty of implementation,” “impracticalness,” or “sheer idiocy” of this process. Rest assured that these minor criticisms can be easily dismissed as insignificant. An example is provided to demonstrate the effectiveness of this method:

(To be recited by Ik-Hwan Kim to Mr. Bruder and, covertly, Casey Blacker.)

I beg your pardon, sir, I do,
For hard you work, and that is true.
But if you listen closely now,
Begin an impromptu, I shall.

Now this might be unseemly, yes,
I understand, yet none-the-less:
When poetry infects the heart,
I must submit and take that art.

What you will hear has much import,
Though, I am sure, I might contort
The finer points of truthfulness.
Aye, to that length, I acquiesce.

And, Casey, you should listen, too.
I guarantee that, if you do,
More than an insight to my muse
Will you receive, and that’s no ruse.

But let us loiter here no more;
You know, my friend, there’s much in store.
A story of my life I tell;
Deep it is, more than a well.


A long way off, where pirates toast
Along the rough and rugged coast,
My parents both were shipwrecked there
And had me as the son they share.

E. Coli, ha! they did not fear,
Nor dragon’s flame, nor thorny weir.
For brave and bold their hearts were both.
I state that here, as in an oath.

A day had come when they grew weary,
Of spending all their days un-cheery,
And so, of course, they took their leave,
And left for, but where else?, Belize.

Sea and ocean both were strong,
But turn back not! They carried on.
It is a pity, aye, it’s sad,
That, on their journey, died they had.

A fortnight did I spend alone,
Among those creatures unbeknown,
Who prey upon the sailor lost,
And take his life; high is that cost.

See I did, that welcome shore
Where I did land, and float no more
Across that wretch’d and weathered sea,
Which took my parents both from me.

Be that as it may, I thought,
It will not do to be distraught.
And then and there I made the choice
To learn to sing, perfect my voice.

Dee vondrous vorlt, I sang aloud,
Lukes to me much layk eh cloud.
My accent was the only thing
That gave my verse a foreign ring.

D.M.V., those friendly folk,
Then hired me, and there I spoke.
For no one wants to wait ‘till noon,
Without a brisk and catchy tune.

See you do, I have no doubt,
Of how I later was kicked out.
I only knew but twenty songs,
And these were short—they were not long.

A little longer did it take
For me to heal and calm my ache.
The sorrows of my heart did ebb,
And after that I came to Webb.

And so, my friend, it all is out;
My story’s done, please have no doubt.
And now, if you don’t disagree,
My test I will submit to thee.