Stolen Painting Found By Tree

Throughout the course of natural history, trees have served important roles. Trees play an important role in the circulation of oxygen. Trees provide an aesthetically pleasing backdrop to a picnic. Trees serve as clandestine FBI agents.

So government officials expressed no surprise when John Akinoki, a tree/spy on the Webb School campus, found the stolen painting "Aphrodite With An Axe of Almonds" along the beaten path where he normally takes his morning walk. Akinoki, head of several FBI branches (notably the Brown Branch), was told that "[his] mission, if [he chose] to accept it," was to take evidence about the whereabouts of the stolen painting and get to the root of the problem. Receiving information from an anonymous source, Mr. Akinoki was able to track the painting down while most of the Webb community was at Webbstock.

"That tree is just amazing," says Cyrus Chestnut, whose relationship with Akinoki stems from seeds that were sown during crazy college times. "I mean, what other tree could have seen an image of a Greek goddess with an axe made of almonds and said, 'That doesn't add up with the rest of the landscape." "Dang."

Mr. Akinoki will be the next Follin Speaker, where he will discuss his role in the FBI, as well as his experience as an "Ent" in Lord of the Rings. He will also encourage the student body to fully support RenWeb so that Webb can go paperless. "Every APR you get rips a piece of my heart out," says Akinoki, "Not because I care at all whether you failed something, but because that APR used to be my brother."